I am Toast. This is my post.
Good morning everyone. Thank you for attending on such short notice.
I have prepared a written statement. Here is my written statement.
First and foremost, I would like to apologize to my Mommy and Daddy. I have let them down. I deeply regret my actions. My indiscretion reflects poorly on myself, my family, and those who respect and look up to me. I know better and there is no excuse for what I did.
As Toast Master General and the head of the Toasters Union, I am in a position of power and need to lead by example. Kitchen defecation is not the example I wish to set.
It is my understanding that my Daddy launched an investigation to determine the source of the kitchen poop. My silence wasted time and extensive resources that could have been applied toward other projects. Again, I apologize.
While I understand this situation could have been avoided, I think it’s important we also review the events leading up to the incident. I am willing to accept fault, but blame is not a burden which should fall on my shoulders alone. In fact, it was caused by the actions, or dare I say inactions of others.
Prior to the incident, we were all in the home theater. Mommy, Daddy, and Dixie Chicken were all present. I felt a grumble down below and immediately left the couch and went directly to the back door. Mommy or Daddy had ample opportunity to follow me, yet they did not. Arriving at the back door, I spotted Dakota the Fluffer Wolf on the patio (my preferred poop spot). I asked him kindly to leave the yard so I may come out and take care of my business, he chose to disregard my request. I stood at the back door for no less than fifteen seconds waiting for someone to open it and let me outside; nobody did so. I would have barked but I should not have to take such drastic measures. I am a little Toast and unable to open the back door. Mommy is a mind reader and should have known I needed her help. Clearly, this was completely out of my control.
After waiting for over twenty seconds, an unimaginable time, I had no choice but to relieve myself on the kitchen floor as Dakota the Fluffer Wolf watched me from the other side of the door, it was rather degrading. While in the kitchen, I may have also helped myself to some of Dakota’s kibble. Considering the injustice acted upon me, the embarrassment of what I had done, I hoped a little kibble would help me feel better. It did not. Stress eating is not the answer.
Now that I have admitted to the kitchen poop, I would like to see my Daddy concentrate his efforts on reviewing the circumstances that forced me to take such drastic action and correct those issues to ensure they do not occur again. I would hate to see it happen again but it will, if those around me don’t correct their ways.
It is a sad day.
For those of you who have called for my resignation as head of the Toasters Union I am here to tell you I will not be stepping down, nor will I take a leave of absence. If you insist on the continuation of this witch-hunt, I suggest you focus your attention on those whose actions actually facilitated the incident. After all, if a car crash occurs due to faulty brakes, do you prosecute the driver or the auto manufacturer who knowingly allowed their product to continue in the marketplace without the issuance of a recall?
I will not entertain questions at this time. Please direct you inquiries to my office.
That is all.
I’ll be the first to admit, it’s a little early. GoodReads typically doesn’t open the voting process until November but hey, with a Baby Barker on the way in September, who knows when I’ll get another chance to talk about this. THE FOURTH MONKEY is kicking some butt. Development of the TV show over at CBS is in full swing. The sequel, THE FIFTH TO DIE, has been scheduled for release next year. I’ve started the final book in the series, titled…
…well, maybe I’ll keep that under wraps for now.
What are the GoodReads Choice Awards?
It’s the only major award decided solely by readers, organized by THE site for readers. Last year marked the largest contest to date with more than two million votes cast in 20 different categories including fiction, mystery & thriller, fantasy, horror, humor, YA… all that is required to vote is to be registered as a member of the GoodReads network. If you still aren’t a part of this flourishing community of people who love reading and discovering new books, the GoodReads Choice Awards is the best reason to join!
The voting schedule will probably look something like this –
Opening Round Nov. 1 – 6
Semifinal Round Nov. 8 – 13
Final Round Nov. 15 – 27
Why am I bugging you with all this now?
Before the voting process starts, books are nominated. For a book to get nominated, it must first get noticed. With over 300 FIVE-STAR reviews in just the first few weeks of release, THE FOURTH MONKEY is well on its way to being noticed but I want it to REALLY get noticed. On GoodReads, that happens with lists. There are lists for all kinds of books and topics – THE FOURTH MONKEY is already on many of them, including Most Anticipated Novels of 2017, now it needs to climb to the top of those lists. For that, I need your help. If you’ve read this book and you believe this book should get noticed, should get nominated, please take a moment to click on the link below and vote for it on the various lists where it appears. It’s already #1 on many of them, think we can get it to #1 on all of them? We’ve got the numbers. I’d be willing to bet we can. Can you spare a minute or two?
Already read THE FOURTH MONKEY? This part is really important – be sure you placed it on your GoodReads THRILLER shelf. This helps to ensure the nomination appears in the correct genre.
What?!? Not a member of GoodReads? Do you live in a cave? How do you hear about new books? You need to fix this immediately. Head on over to www.goodreads.com, it only takes a second to sign up and doesn’t cost anything.
Want to play the bonus round? If you haven’t discovered BookBub yet, you’re missing out on some of the best book discounts available delivered daily right to your inbox. If you are a member of BookBub, then you know exactly what I’m talking about. Click the link below to follow me on BookBub – you’ll be notified whenever one of my titles goes on sale. Winner-winner chicken dinner.
Paramount Pictures has acquired screen rights to Dracul, the first prequel authorized by the estate of Bram Stoker. The film will be developed as potential directing vehicle down the line for Andy Muschietti, teamed with It producers Barbara Muschietti and Roy Lee.
Written by Dacre Stoker and J.D. Barker, the tale is set in 1868, where a 21-year old Bram Stoker meets with an ungodly evil, which he traps in an ancient tower all the while scribbling the events that led him there. The monster origin tale just went to Putnam’s Mark Tavani in a 5-house auction brokered by Kristin Nelson of Nelson Literary Agency. The UK rights for Dracul were bought by Simon Taylor of Transworld and to Michel Lafon France in a pre-empt.
The film deal was brokered by Angela Cheng Caplan of Cheng Caplan Company Inc. and attorney Wayne Alexander. Paramount executive, Vanessa Joyce brought in the project and will oversee the development with Miri Yoon of Vertigo Entertainment.
“I can’t imagine a better team to tell this story.”
– J.D. Barker
I am Toast. This is my Post.
There is nothing more satisfying than a late night snack and as everyone knows, all late night snacks should be enjoyed after 9:30PM but before 9:40PM. Snacks later than 9:40PM can interfere with sleepy time which should begin promptly at 10PM. I have enough trouble getting Mommy and Daddy in bed by 10PM so heaven forbid snack time run late.
Last night, at precisely 9:30PM, I rose from my assigned seat in the home theater and began my journey to the kitchen.
(Without assigned seats, Dakota the Fluffer Wolf sits in different spots each night which is unacceptable.)
I knew my food bowl would be empty because Toast always leaves a clean bowl, so I went directly to Dixie Chicken’s on the other side of the kitchen. Her bowl was empty too. I found this odd, Dixie Chicken is wasteful – I can always count on her to leave food behind.
Under normal circumstances I would pause to ponder this issue but snack time has a tight timetable; pondering would have to wait until later.
Dakota the Fluffer Wolf has a large food bowl because he is a spastic, raucous, unruly ball of puppy energy that requires much nourishment to sustain. I have suggested Mommy and Daddy bring him to a taxidermist, then they could keep him while also saving money on Fluffer food.
To date they have not acted upon my suggestion but I remain hopeful.
Dakota the Fluffer Wolf’s bowl was empty too!
He eats dirt and trees and bunnies and many other things in the Big Outside so he never cleans his bowl. Something is afoot in the compound.
A moment later, Mommy entered the kitchen and knelt down beside me. “I picked up all the food, Toast. When you eat this late you wake me up in the middle of the night to get water and it really needs to stop,” she said.
Oh, hell no. This is not acceptable.
She already cut out 3:21AM kibble and 4:23AM toilet water.
And now she wants to cut out 9:30PM snack time? Why do I let this woman live in my house?
I began to voice my concerns but she just turned and walked away. “Let’s go back in the theater, we have thirty minutes until bedtime.”
I watched as she left the room. Clearly this was some kind of prank.
Well played, Mommy. Well played.
I waited for her to return laughing.
Yes Mommy, you got me good. This Toast was successfully fooled. You are an excellent prankster. Excellent.
She did not return though.
I waited four more minutes, glanced at the clock, and noted that only three minutes remained in designated snack time.
I returned to the home theater to find her back on the couch cuddling with Daddy as if none of this horror transpired.
Again I voiced my concerns. I may have jumped up and down in frustration. I tend to black out during times of extreme stress. I do not remember the exact events.
I will not let 9:30PM snack time go so easily, Mommy. Are you sure you want to start this war?
Remember when I used to eat your shoes? They were delicious. Perhaps I will snack on your shoes each night at 9:30PM snack time.
How about when I used to poop on the patio? That was fun, wasn’t it? I could do that again. Especially after munching on one of your shoes. A nice leather will make it real easy.
There’s a storm coming, Mommy. There’s a storm coming and it’s coming for you.
That is all.