Toast Post: Why 3:18 AM is the Best Time to Go Tee-Tee

I am Toast. This is my post.

I am an easy going Toast but occasionally my Mommy makes suggestions that are completely baseless, simply not well thought-out, and harmful to others. This morning, she made just such a suggestion. I consider it a suggestion because I know she knows better than to tell me what to do. That would insinuate that I am somehow wrong which is clearly not possible.

As I readied myself for my evening tee-tee at precisely 3:18 AM, Mommy scoffed at me in a tone I did not appreciate, told me the time, then rolled over and went back to sleep.

The nerve!

I was well aware of the time – if it were not 3:18 AM, I would not be preparing for my evening 3:18 AM tee-tee. I had to wake her multiple times before she finally got up – she almost made us late. Then she proceeded to complain the entire time, as if it were some kind of inconvenience. Do I complain when she leaves all day to that place called “office”? Or when she locks the cheese up in that giant cold box in the kitchen knowing full well that I can’t reach the handle? Ok, I might, just a little. Bad examples.

Mommy has suggested going tee-tee prior to bed and even waiting until morning; that is ludicrous. Almost as silly as when she asks me to sit on command, as if I am here simply to amuse her. Now I am to tee-tee on command? That is degrading, I am not a dancing monkey clown.

Perhaps if I illustrate why 3:18 AM is the proper time to tee-tee with a simple pie graph.

Mmmm, pie. Toast likes pie. Especially pumpkin pie with Cool Whip and… wait, I digress.

Maybe a list. I know how to list. Here is my list:

1. At 3:18 AM Mommy is conveniently located next to my bed. I do not have to go in search of her throughout my large, scary house where felines roam free and lighted trees grow in the living room.

2. I already circled the bed twelve times and do not want to start over.

3. The big outside is dark and not so big in the dark.

4. The patio is wet from the sprinklers that turn off at precisely 3:15 AM. I prefer a wet patio when I tee-tee. Did I mention I like to tee-tee on the patio? There are many reasons which may require another list. This is not the proper time or place. Just take my word for it – if you are going to tee-tee at night, in the big outside, do it on a patio. If you can find a wet patio, all the better.

5. Dakota the Fluffer Wolf is sleeping.

6. Dakota the Fluffer Wolf IS SLEEPING.

7. Dakota the Fluffer Wolf is sleeping  and can’t bounce around me like an epileptic mixing a margarita on a trampoline while I attempt to tee-tee. The Fluffer Wolf would make a great rug. The Fluffer Wolf hoards all the toys, the Fluffer… another list may be in order. I am not fond of the Fluffer Wolf.

8. The best infomercials air at 3:19 AM. Nobody wants to miss that. Nobody likes a bushy sideburn.

9. The water in my dish reaches the perfect temperature at 3:18 AM. Finer water can only be found in the toilet at 4:23 AM. Sometimes, there is a line.

10. If I don’t go tee-tee at 3:18 AM, I’ll be late for 3:21 AM kibble, then the whole day is shot.

To ensure Mommy does not make us late again, I’m going to begin waking her at 1:30 AM each night, then talk to her until 3:18 AM comes around. I am excellent company and I’m sure she will appreciate the attention. She must be bored, or she wouldn’t be sleeping.

That is all.

toastpaw

toast_tee

J.D. Barker is the internationally best-selling author of FORSAKEN, a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a First Novel and has earned him comparisons to Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and John Saul. His latest novel, THE FOURTH MONKEY, released in June 2017. His third novel, THE FIFTH TO DIE, releases June 2018. He has been asked by the Stoker family to coauthor the forthcoming prequel to DRACULA due out in fall 2018. His work has been translated into numerous languages and has been optioned for both film and television. Barker currently resides in Pennsylvania with his wife, Dayna, and their two dogs, both of whom sit outside his office door daily, eagerly awaiting his next novel.

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One comment on “Toast Post: Why 3:18 AM is the Best Time to Go Tee-Tee
  1. B Pete says:

    Completely reasonable and logical I have to agree.

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