INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLING AUTHOR

J.D. Barker

News

Jun152017

Toast Post: The Art of Selfies

I am Toast. This is my post.

As you are aware, I tend to peruse the internets as my schedule permits. Humans tend to post much personal information and it has proven to be an invaluable source of intel in my war/territorial dispute with Dakota the Fluffer Wolf. While Mommy and Daddy do not permit us to have FaceBook pages, there are a number of sites dedicated to wolves and they have proven to be a constant source of intelligence. For instance, I have learned the Fuffer Wolf’s natural habitat is snow. I plan to bring this to his attention as soon as I learn how to use the points on Daddy’s Amex to purchase a plane ticket to Siberia.

While searching for information, I use a number of keywords (Toast is very smart, I honed my skills playing Scrabble with Oat) such as: fluffer, fur monster, digger, toy hoarder, beastie…

It was that last term that brought up this photo and it was then that I discovered “selfies”:

selfie1

Imagine my horror as this image jumped out at me. I nearly knocked Mommy’s Mac off the kitchen table and ran to my room but I am a strong Toast and I endured. Apparently humans post such pictures on a regular basis. I find this quite disturbing. When aliens discover this planet (which is only a matter of time) they will no doubt be encouraged – overtaking such a race would not appear to be difficult. I do not want to be enslaved by an alien race, I will not make a good worker dog. I wrote an extensive email to this individual instructing her to take the image down immediately but my email bounced back. Apparently pinkbeastie@bathroomsink.com is not a valid email address.

I then discovered numerous other selfies, equally horrible, and determined this is an epidemic that must be stopped.

While Mommy and Daddy were sleeping, I commandeered Mommy’s camera and called a truce with the other animals in the house long enough to put together this short tutorial on proper selfies.

I started with Ms. Dixie Chicken. She said she was very familiar with selfies and had taken a number in the past. Upon review of her submissions I was appalled:

selfie_dixie_drinking

Dixie at Spring Break 2012

selfie_dixie_driving

Dixie Driving

These selfies embodied exactly what I was trying to avoid. I explained to her, posting pictures with alcoholic beverages could impact her ability to find a job in the future but she did not seem to care. I also informed her of the dangers of taking selfies while driving. Again, I feel my insightful advice fell on deaf ears. She has lived on the streets, survived hurricanes, and is best buddies with Dakota the Fluffer Wolf – clearly, her judgement is compromised.

Oat proved to be a better subject:

selfie_oat

The Fluffer Wolf, not so much –

photo 3

I was happy to escape with my life; he nearly ate the camera.

A good selfie should embody contemplation, wisdom, and dramatic lighting. Such as this one:

toast_contemplating

I ponder much. This is me pondering.

While I do not travel (the big outside is a scary place), I felt it necessary to include a proper travel selfie:

selfie_toast_travel

Notice the packed suitcase and my choice of attire. I’m wearing a 2011 Thundershirt in stylish gray as well as my wolf-proof collar. It is clear I am prepared for travel.

As a famous Toast, I have contemplated my future media appearances. There is no shame in using Photoshop to enhance your selfies:

woof_magazine

toast_forbes

toast_maxim

Please world, no more of these:

mona_selfie

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We don’t care about your dollhouse.

That is all.

Toast

toastpaw

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Posted by J.D. Barker