Toast Post: The Art of Selfies

I am Toast. This is my post.

As you are aware, I tend to peruse the internets as my schedule permits. Humans tend to post much personal information and it has proven to be an invaluable source of intel in my war/territorial dispute with Dakota the Fluffer Wolf. While Mommy and Daddy do not permit us to have FaceBook pages, there are a number of sites dedicated to wolves and they have proven to be a constant source of intelligence. For instance, I have learned the Fuffer Wolf’s natural habitat is snow. I plan to bring this to his attention as soon as I learn how to use the points on Daddy’s Amex to purchase a plane ticket to Siberia.

While searching for information, I use a number of keywords (Toast is very smart, I honed my skills playing Scrabble with Oat) such as: fluffer, fur monster, digger, toy hoarder, beastie…

It was that last term that brought up this photo and it was then that I discovered “selfies”:


Imagine my horror as this image jumped out at me. I nearly knocked Mommy’s Mac off the kitchen table and ran to my room but I am a strong Toast and I endured. Apparently humans post such pictures on a regular basis. I find this quite disturbing. When aliens discover this planet (which is only a matter of time) they will no doubt be encouraged – overtaking such a race would not appear to be difficult. I do not want to be enslaved by an alien race, I will not make a good worker dog. I wrote an extensive email to this individual instructing her to take the image down immediately but my email bounced back. Apparently is not a valid email address.

I then discovered numerous other selfies, equally horrible, and determined this is an epidemic that must be stopped.

While Mommy and Daddy were sleeping, I commandeered Mommy’s camera and called a truce with the other animals in the house long enough to put together this short tutorial on proper selfies.

I started with Ms. Dixie Chicken. She said she was very familiar with selfies and had taken a number in the past. Upon review of her submissions I was appalled:


Dixie at Spring Break 2012


Dixie Driving

These selfies embodied exactly what I was trying to avoid. I explained to her, posting pictures with alcoholic beverages could impact her ability to find a job in the future but she did not seem to care. I also informed her of the dangers of taking selfies while driving. Again, I feel my insightful advice fell on deaf ears. She has lived on the streets, survived hurricanes, and is best buddies with Dakota the Fluffer Wolf – clearly, her judgement is compromised.

Oat proved to be a better subject:


The Fluffer Wolf, not so much –

photo 3

I was happy to escape with my life; he nearly ate the camera.

A good selfie should embody contemplation, wisdom, and dramatic lighting. Such as this one:


I ponder much. This is me pondering.

While I do not travel (the big outside is a scary place), I felt it necessary to include a proper travel selfie:


Notice the packed suitcase and my choice of attire. I’m wearing a 2011 Thundershirt in stylish gray as well as my wolf-proof collar. It is clear I am prepared for travel.

As a famous Toast, I have contemplated my future media appearances. There is no shame in using Photoshop to enhance your selfies:




Please world, no more of these:



We don’t care about your dollhouse.

That is all.







J.D. Barker is the internationally best-selling author of FORSAKEN, a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a First Novel, and winner of the New Apple Medalist Award. His work has been compared to Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and Thomas Harris. His latest novel, THE FOURTH MONKEY, released in June 2017. His third novel, THE FIFTH TO DIE, releases June 2018. He has been asked by the Stoker family to coauthor the forthcoming prequel to DRACULA due out in fall 2018. His novels have been translated into numerous languages and optioned for both film and television. Barker currently resides in Pennsylvania with his wife, Dayna, and their two dogs, both of whom sit outside his office door daily, eagerly awaiting his next novel.

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One comment on “Toast Post: The Art of Selfies
  1. Laura R says:

    Oh, oh TOAST Thank you for such valuable (yet disturbing) information

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