Toast Post: Big Discovery

I am Toast. This is my post.

I have made a great discovery! Perhaps one of the greatest discoveries ever made since Columbus got lost and stopped in America to ask for directions. I am so excited because this represents a substantial revenue source for Toast, LLC.


Water is big business. Humans pay a lot of money for bottled water even though there are numerous sources of water all around them. They are very silly.

Toast performed much research. Here is my research:

Evian Natural Spring Water was discovered by a French “nobleman” during the French Revolution. He told people that the water source could cure diseases and restore youth and because people are silly, they paid much money for it. Today they pay even more (Toast is excellent at math and adjusted for inflation). Does it matter that a “nobleman” found it? This is clearly marketing because telling people it was the bathing place for a band of gypsies would not go over as well with potential buyers.

Fiji Natural Artesian Water comes out of the ground in Fiji but because Fiji is a far away place in the big outside, people pay much money for it.

Zephyrhills water is bottled in Zephyrhills, Florida. Have you ever driven through Zephyrhills, Florida? Toast went through there once with Mommy when going to visit grandma and there is nothing there, nothing but cemeteries. Cemeteries do not provide adequate filtration. I am pretty sure they provide no filtration. At best, it is zombie water. Zombies do not offer any nutritional value. Yet humans pay much money for it, because they are silly.

As I recently pointed out, some of the best water can be found in our house in toilet #2 at 4:23 AM and I stand by this finding. I have bottled some vintage 2012 water from this source and it continues to be the best in my collection. It was to be the source of Toast Water until my recent discovery, the greatest discovery of all time –

Mommy just-out-of-the-shower ankle water!


I am not sure just what Mommy does in the shower but the other day I found Dixie Chicken licking her ankles the moment she stepped out – she seemed so enthralled I decided to participate.

Holy Grumpy Cat! Yummy yummy water!


This water is incredible. Much better than toilet #2 at 4;23 AM and most definitely better than “French nobleman” or cemetery water. I have never been to Fiji but I am certain it is better than their water, too.

I tried the small puddles she left on the bathroom floor but it was not the same. I am pretty sure Mommy just-out-of-the-shower ankle water can increase brain activity while also stimulating weight-loss. It may also cure shortness and help you win American’s Got Talent (not The Voice though). It is like a double rainbow in a bottle!


Mommy is going to have to spend much time in the shower in order to meet bottling demands but she should be willing in order to contribute to the growth of Toast, LLC.

I have patents, trademarks, and territorial rights to file. I will be a busy Toast but it will be worth it.


First I will purchase all intellectual property claims from Dixie Chicken for one of the Greenies in my hidden stash. It is a small price to pay. I have to act before she realizes what she has stumbled into. She is not business savvy like Toast. Perhaps I will put her to work on the production line.

That is all.


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J.D. Barker is the internationally best-selling author of FORSAKEN, a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a First Novel, and winner of the New Apple Medalist Award. His work has been compared to Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and Thomas Harris. His latest novel, THE FOURTH MONKEY, released in June 2017. His third novel, THE FIFTH TO DIE, releases June 2018. He has been asked by the Stoker family to coauthor the forthcoming prequel to DRACULA due out in fall 2018. His novels have been translated into numerous languages and optioned for both film and television. Barker currently resides in Pennsylvania with his wife, Dayna, and their two dogs, both of whom sit outside his office door daily, eagerly awaiting his next novel.

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2 comments on “Toast Post: Big Discovery
  1. Nancyjean says:

    I love Toast! And agree with him about water in toilet #2 being just as good as that from Fiji or Zephyerhills. Boo likes just-out-of-the-shower water, too.

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