Toast Post: The Incident

I am Toast. This is my post.

Good morning everyone. Thank you for attending on such short notice.

My name is Toast and I am a kitchen floor pooper.
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Hello Toast!

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I have prepared a written statement. Here is my written statement.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize to my Mommy and Daddy. I have let them down. I deeply regret my actions. My indiscretion reflects poorly on myself, my family, and those who respect and look up to me. I know better and there is no excuse for what I did.

As Toast Master General and the head of the Toasters Union, I am in a position of power and need to lead by example. Kitchen defecation is not the example I wish to set.

It is my understanding that my Daddy launched an investigation to determine the source of the kitchen poop. My silence wasted time and extensive resources that could have been applied toward other projects. Again, I apologize.

While I understand this situation could have been avoided, I think it’s important we also review the events leading up to the incident. I am willing to accept fault, but blame is not a burden which should fall on my shoulders alone. In fact, it was caused by the actions, or dare I say inactions of others.

Prior to the incident, we were all in the home theater. Mommy, Daddy, and Dixie Chicken were all present. I felt a grumble down below and immediately left the couch and went directly to the back door. Mommy or Daddy had ample opportunity to follow me, yet they did not. Arriving at the back door, I spotted Dakota the Fluffer Wolf on the patio (my preferred poop spot). I asked him kindly to leave the yard so I may come out and take care of my business, he chose to disregard my request. I stood at the back door for no less than fifteen seconds waiting for someone to open it and let me outside; nobody did so. I would have barked but I should not have to take such drastic measures. I am a little Toast and unable to open the back door. Mommy is a mind reader and should have known I needed her help. Clearly, this was completely out of my control.

After waiting for over twenty seconds, an unimaginable time, I had no choice but to relieve myself on the kitchen floor as Dakota the Fluffer Wolf watched me from the other side of the door, it was rather degrading. While in the kitchen, I may have also helped myself to some of  Dakota’s kibble. Considering the injustice acted upon me, the embarrassment of what I had done, I hoped a little kibble would help me feel better. It did not. Stress eating is not the answer.

Now that I have admitted to the kitchen poop, I would like to see my Daddy concentrate his efforts on reviewing the circumstances that forced me to take such drastic action and correct those issues to ensure they do not occur again. I would hate to see it happen again but it will, if those around me don’t correct their ways.

It is a sad day.

For those of you who have called for my resignation as head of the Toasters Union I am here to tell you I will not be stepping down, nor will I take a leave of absence. If you insist on the continuation of this witch-hunt, I suggest you focus your attention on those whose actions actually facilitated the incident. After all, if a car crash occurs due to faulty brakes, do you prosecute the driver or the auto manufacturer who knowingly allowed their product to continue in the marketplace without the issuance of a recall?

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I will not entertain questions at this time. Please direct you inquiries to my office.

That is all.

toastpaw

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J.D. Barker is the internationally best-selling author of FORSAKEN, a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a First Novel, and winner of the New Apple Medalist Award. His work has been compared to Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and Thomas Harris. His latest novel, THE FOURTH MONKEY, released in June 2017. His third novel, THE FIFTH TO DIE, releases June 2018. He has been asked by the Stoker family to coauthor the forthcoming prequel to DRACULA due out in fall 2018. His novels have been translated into numerous languages and optioned for both film and television. Barker currently resides in Pennsylvania with his wife, Dayna, and their two dogs, both of whom sit outside his office door daily, eagerly awaiting his next novel.

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