Toast Post: Proper Nightly Blankie Fluffy

I am Toast. This is my post.

I often find that I have to retrain Mommy. She is not very obedient and does not take instruction well. Tonight was such a night.

At precisely 10pm I alerted Mommy and Daddy that it was time to go to bed by jumping out from under my home-theater blankie and barking three times (the universal signal for 10pm bedtime), then went to the back door for pre-bed tee-tee. Sometimes Mommy and Daddy forget that we have to go to bed at 10pm and I have to remind them but tonight they did not give me any trouble.

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After pre-bed tee-tee, I went upstairs and waited for them in the bathroom – they tend to wander in there before bedtime and I have coax them back out. If I had people treats, I would use them because sometimes they do not listen. It is very frustrating.

Mommy put the Fluffer Wolf to bed and Daddy carried Dixie Chicken upstairs as he does every night. For reasons unknown, Dixie Chicken will not go up or down the stairs at night on her own. Only during the daytime. She waits at the bottom until Daddy picks her up and brings her to the top. He does this without charging a toll – I would charge a toll. Dixie Chicken can be a burden and should be punished.

When everyone was finally upstairs, I had to go and retrieve them from the bathroom no less than five times! I do not understand why they have to be so difficult. When they finally emerged, I waited patiently by my bed for Mommy to properly fluff and position my bedtime blankies. She reached into my bed, quickly shuffled them around, then said goodnight and climbed into her own bed.

I stared at her in utter disappointment.

I have spent ten years training her to properly make my bed and she still gets it wrong. How is this possible? What does a Toast need to do?

I am going to write it down. I will make a list. Here is my list:

– Remove all blankies from my bed
– Shake each blankie for no less than thirty seconds to ensure all creases are removed
– Arrange the blankies in order from darkest to lightest, then begin a hole count
– Return blankies to my bed based on hole count – those with the most holes should be placed toward the back to allow for nightly hole creation which must start no later than 10:15
– Blankies should be folded three times (not four, that would be silly – it must be an odd number)
– Red blankies must always be on top
– Blue blankies must be under red (unless there is a green one, then blue should be on top)
– If the temperature is to be below 73 degrees, I require six blankies
– If the temperature is to be above 76 degrees, I require three blankies
– If Dixie Chicken is using her brown blankie, then I should have my purple blankie
– If Dixie Chicken is using her purple blankie, then the brown blankie should be folded and placed on top of her bed

…that completes Monday’s list. The Tuesday procedure is just as simple. I do not understand why this has to be so difficult for her to complete.

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That is all.

toastpaw

J.D. Barker is the internationally best-selling author of FORSAKEN, a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a First Novel, and winner of the New Apple Medalist Award. His work has been compared to Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and Thomas Harris. His latest novel, THE FOURTH MONKEY, released in June 2017. His third novel, THE FIFTH TO DIE, releases June 2018. He has been asked by the Stoker family to coauthor the forthcoming prequel to DRACULA due out in fall 2018. His novels have been translated into numerous languages and optioned for both film and television. Barker currently resides in Pennsylvania with his wife, Dayna, and their two dogs, both of whom sit outside his office door daily, eagerly awaiting his next novel.

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