NEW YORK TIMES AND INTERNATIONAL BESTSELLING AUTHOR

Toast Post: Unauthorized Construction

I am Toast. This is my post.

During a recent patrol of my house, I encountered a hellish obstacle. At some point during the night someone erected this Great Wall of Wood on the stairs separating the lower portion of this dwelling from the sleeping quarters. I did not approve this construction, nor would I had I been properly consulted in advance. I attempted to contact the local building inspector’s office in order to lodge a complaint but I was dismayed after twenty minutes in auto-attendant purgatory – do they not understand how difficult it is for a Toast to “press 1 for this” and “press 2 for that” when I have to deal with paws? iPhones are not puppy-friendly. (Note to self, lodge complaint with Cupertino, research Galaxy phone.)

The Great Wall does have an opening just large enough for me to pass but I am very hesitant; I put no faith in construction which failed to go through the proper permitting and inspection process. Because I do need to get to my bed and my food (inconveniently located on different floors of my house) I have no choice but to venture through this hole while traversing the stairs; I am a brave Toast in need of rest and sustenance. I have included a video which clearly demonstrates my ability to overcome such obstacles.

After breakfast I retrieved by favorite blankie (for moral support) and established camp at the top of the stairs in order to observe this structure and determine its purpose. The following is a log of my observations:

10:41 AM – Mommy and Daddy both passed through the Great Wall without incident. Apparently it’s hinged. I sense Daddy was involved in the construction, he is very clever.

11:03 AM – Dixie investigated the structure for a moment, then quickly scurried through the hole. She is reckless – her actions clearly show a disregard for her own well-being. I will report this to Mommy.

11:27 AM – The large feline! It has emerged from it’s room and is venturing out. I cower in my corner, hoping it cannot see me beneath my blanket.

11:27:04 AM – The feline sees me! Holy hell, I have no escape route!

11:28 AM – The large feline has moved on without incident. I have relocated to coordinates I will not disclose for fear of discovery. I still have a clear view of the Great Wall and I have successfully retrieved my blankie.

11:31 AM – I believe I have made a significant discovery. Dakota the Fluffer Wolf (my arch nemesis) approached the Great Wall from downstairs and due to his size, he is unable to pass through the opening. He is clearly frustrated because the large feline is watching him from the other side and he is unable to give chase. It’s a sad day to be a wolf.

11:46 AM – I have spoken to my daddy. Apparently I was correct; this terrible gate is here to protect the ostensibly valuable life of that obese feline. I do not see the point, but I have no say in such matters, for I am only a Toast. While I am grateful for the wolf-free zone created in the upper floors of my dwelling, I informed him that I will not allow this structure to remain. He said we can’t allow the wolf to eat the feline, I told him I did not see the downside should this occur – it was a very heated debate and I had to spend significant time chewing my blankie to recover from the stress.

In the meantime, I must endure the Great Wall.
Together, we can overcome – power to the puppy!

That is all.
Toast

toastpaw

Toast Post: It’s My Blanket

toast_eating_blanket

I am Toast. This is my post.

My mommy recently pulled me aside to discuss my need to chew on blankets.

I do not apologize for my behavior.

Frankly, she should be thrilled that I choose to chew on my own blanket rather than furniture or shoes like my colleagues. Don’t think I haven’t noticed the shelves of neatly arranged shoes in that cave you call a closet, Mommy. Perhaps I’ll wander in there some random night and help myself to a nice pair of strappy sandals; they look rather tasty. Or a pair of boots – I could make a day of it. Don’t think I won’t. The only thing holding me back is my respect for your personal property. I only ask for the same respect.

It’s my blanket, I can chew it if I want to. And please, for the love of Lassie, stop replacing my blankets when I finally get the proper number of holes in them (963 for those of you unaware of Einstein’s Blanket Hole Theorem). I’m a small Toast working with a limited number of teeth, at my age it’s not as easy as it used to be and I don’t appreciate your interference.

That is all.

toastpaw

Toast Post: Hello World

toast_the_blogging_dog

I am Toast. This is my post.

Occasionally my daddy leaves his MacBook sitting out and I’ve decided to take advantage of his error to utilize this device to communicate with the outside world. Although my typing skills are limited, Google Translate has made some powerful strides and does a wonderful job with puppy speak. I hear they are working on a similar product for cats, there is no need, they should stop now.

It’s nice to see humans doing something productive with their time. I’ve observed many of them over the years and most appear content watching television and discussing various bodily odors while drinking this magical elixir known as Coors Light.

This is not a productive use of one’s time. I’ve spent many sleepless nights weeping for humanity. While I would like to help, I am only a single Toast and there is very little I can do.

In addition to my mommy and daddy, I allow two cats, another dog, a wolf, and a bird to share my house. We also have a large tank of fish but I feel no need to mention them since they are useless creatures with no appreciable cognitive ability who tend to shit (a lot) in their own home. Anything incapable of scratching at the back door prior to defecation is dead to me.

While I have trained my parents to feed all of us on a fairly consistent schedule, I’m still experiencing difficulty when I try to get them to go to bed at a normal hour. When I do finally get them tucked in, they tend to make strange noises for at least thirteen minutes at which time I hide in my own bed for fear of witnessing whatever is attacking them. In the morning, I have been unable to locate the cause of the disturbance but I will continue searching for answers, because I am Toast; I do not give up.

My life is very difficult. As you can tell, I have much responsibility, but I make the best of it. I will share what I can, when I am able.

I hear my daddy approaching so I have to sign off for now. I will return when it’s deemed safe.

toastpaw

 

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