Toast Post: the Death of 9:30PM Snack Time

I am Toast. This is my Post.

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There is nothing more satisfying than a late night snack and as everyone knows, all late night snacks should be enjoyed after 9:30PM but before 9:40PM. Snacks later than 9:40PM can interfere with sleepy time which should begin promptly at 10PM. I have enough trouble getting Mommy and Daddy in bed by 10PM so heaven forbid snack time run late.

Last night, at precisely 9:30PM, I rose from my assigned seat in the home theater and began my journey to the kitchen.

(Without assigned seats, Dakota the Fluffer Wolf sits in different spots each night which is unacceptable.)

I knew my food bowl would be empty because Toast always leaves a clean bowl, so I went directly to Dixie Chicken’s on the other side of the kitchen. Her bowl was empty too. I found this odd, Dixie Chicken is wasteful – I can always count on her to leave food behind.

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Under normal circumstances I would pause to ponder this issue but snack time has a tight timetable; pondering would have to wait until later.

Dakota the Fluffer Wolf has a large food bowl because he is a spastic, raucous, unruly ball of puppy energy that requires much nourishment to sustain. I have suggested Mommy and Daddy bring him to a taxidermist, then they could keep him while also saving money on Fluffer food.

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To date they have not acted upon my suggestion but I remain hopeful.

Dakota the Fluffer Wolf’s bowl was empty too!

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He eats dirt and trees and bunnies and many other things in the Big Outside so he never cleans his bowl. Something is afoot in the compound.

A moment later, Mommy entered the kitchen and knelt down beside me. “I picked up all the food, Toast. When you eat this late you wake me up in the middle of the night to get water and it really needs to stop,” she said.

Oh, hell no. This is not acceptable.

She already cut out 3:21AM kibble and 4:23AM toilet water.

And now she wants to cut out 9:30PM snack time? Why do I let this woman live in my house?

I began to voice my concerns but she just turned and walked away. “Let’s go back in the theater, we have thirty minutes until bedtime.”

I watched as she left the room. Clearly this was some kind of prank.

Well played, Mommy. Well played.

I waited for her to return laughing.

Yes Mommy, you got me good. This Toast was successfully fooled. You are an excellent prankster. Excellent.

She did not return though.

I waited four more minutes, glanced at the clock, and noted that only three minutes remained in designated snack time.

I returned to the home theater to find her back on the couch cuddling with Daddy as if none of this horror transpired.

Again I voiced my concerns. I may have jumped up and down in frustration. I tend to black out during times of extreme stress. I do not remember the exact events.

I will not let 9:30PM snack time go so easily, Mommy. Are you sure you want to start this war?

Remember when I used to eat your shoes? They were delicious. Perhaps I will snack on your shoes each night at 9:30PM snack time.

How about when I used to poop on the patio? That was fun, wasn’t it? I could do that again. Especially after munching on one of your shoes. A nice leather will make it real easy.

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There’s a storm coming, Mommy. There’s a storm coming and it’s coming for you.

That is all.

toastpaw

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J.D. Barker is the internationally best-selling author of FORSAKEN, a finalist for the Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a First Novel, and winner of the New Apple Medalist Award. His work has been compared to Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and Thomas Harris. His latest novel, THE FOURTH MONKEY, released in June 2017. His third novel, THE FIFTH TO DIE, releases June 2018. He has been asked by the Stoker family to coauthor the forthcoming prequel to DRACULA due out in fall 2018. His novels have been translated into numerous languages and optioned for both film and television. Barker currently resides in Pennsylvania with his wife, Dayna, and their two dogs, both of whom sit outside his office door daily, eagerly awaiting his next novel.

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