Toast Post: Hello World


I am Toast. This is my post.

Occasionally my daddy leaves his MacBook sitting out and I’ve decided to take advantage of his error to utilize this device to communicate with the outside world. Although my typing skills are limited, Google Translate has made some powerful strides and does a wonderful job with puppy speak. I hear they are working on a similar product for cats, there is no need, they should stop now.

It’s nice to see humans doing something productive with their time. I’ve observed many of them over the years and most appear content watching television and discussing various bodily odors while drinking this magical elixir known as Coors Light.

This is not a productive use of one’s time. I’ve spent many sleepless nights weeping for humanity. While I would like to help, I am only a single Toast and there is very little I can do.

In addition to my mommy and daddy, I allow two cats, another dog, a wolf, and a bird to share my house. We also have a large tank of fish but I feel no need to mention them since they are useless creatures with no appreciable cognitive ability who tend to shit (a lot) in their own home. Anything incapable of scratching at the back door prior to defecation is dead to me.

While I have trained my parents to feed all of us on a fairly consistent schedule, I’m still experiencing difficulty when I try to get them to go to bed at a normal hour. When I do finally get them tucked in, they tend to make strange noises for at least thirteen minutes at which time I hide in my own bed for fear of witnessing whatever is attacking them. In the morning, I have been unable to locate the cause of the disturbance but I will continue searching for answers, because I am Toast; I do not give up.

My life is very difficult. As you can tell, I have much responsibility, but I make the best of it. I will share what I can, when I am able.

I hear my daddy approaching so I have to sign off for now. I will return when it’s deemed safe.



Posted by J.D. Barker

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