Toast Post: Mommy Made Me Watch a Scary Stephen King Movie

I am Toast. This is my post.

Normally the home theater is my favorite room in the whole house. It’s dark and quiet. I have a big comfy couch and my favorite blankie with the correct number of holes. I have spent hours in there contemplating all that a Toast has to contemplate (which is substantial) with Mommy and Daddy sitting next to me. Dixie Chicken sits between them and the Fluffer Wolf lays on the floor because he is not permitted on the furniture under any circumstance. Occasionally I have to remind him of this.

Sometimes Mommy sprays Bitter Apple. I do not like Bitter Apple.

Sometimes there is Movie-Time.

Movie-Time is a special time because Mommy and Daddy turn off all the lights creating the perfect environment for not only contemplating but also pondering. While I am good at contemplating, I am an excellent ponderer. Movie-Time allows me to ponder for at least two hours which is the perfect amount. I can’t solve all the world’s problems if I don’t ponder for at least two hours and most definitely not if I don’t contemplate. Maybe half the world’s problems but not all.


Mommy and Daddy then started a movie called “Pet Semetary”.

This family moved in across the street from Herman Munster. I imagine they got a good deal on the house.


Herman Munster then immediately told them that the road eats pets. I have many reasons to fear the Big Outside but hungry streets never crossed my mind. This is worse than the Hungry Eyes problem first identified by a wise man named Eric Carmen more than thirty years ago.

While contemplating (and sometimes pondering) I have thought about world hunger, but I do not have a solution to feeding hungry streets or hungry eyes, nor do I think we should have one; maybe they should stay hungry.

The family’s feline gets smooshed by a truck and has to go to the big farm in the sky so they take it deep into the woods of the Big Outside and bury it. Then it comes back! Zombie Cat!


Dead cat = good cat

Undead cat = bad cat

Toast is very good at algebra and this is a very bad equation.


Then their little boy gets smooshed by a different truck and they bury him in the same spot of the Big Outside and he comes back as a zombie!


Zombies are for killing, not making more. This is a horrible idea.

The zombies are mean and they kill Herman Munster and the mommy and… I could no longer watch. I went to my room and hid.


I bury much in the Big Outside. What if the things I buried come back as zombies that want to kill Toast?


There are toys, ice cubes, bones, blankie pieces… so much. I bury much.

I could go outside and dig everything up – I keep a detailed map. But what if it already turned into a zombie?


Zombie ice cubes could be waiting in the trees!

I’ve been preparing Mommy and Daddy for the zombie apocalypse, what if I actually started it? What if it starts with zombie ice cubes? How do you kill a zombie ice cube?


I am never ever going to the Big Outside again. If Dakota the Fluffer Wolf and Dixie Chicken go out and don’t come back I will know what happened. I’m pretty sure zombie ice cubes can not get up the stairs to my room – maybe they’re not in the trees either. I do not know.


Why would someone make a movie that teaches people how to make zombies? This is not responsible.

I am no longer sure Mommy and Daddy are fit to pick Movie-Time movies any more. There will be a stern talking to.

3:18 AM tee-tee time is canceled until further notice. I am too frustrated to discuss this right now.


That is all.



Posted by J.D. Barker

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